My 14-Day Solitary Darkroom Fasting Retreat (Dark Therapy) | 24th January 2021
My talented friend, Madison Tomsic’s design for our legendary Moontribe Collective’s 22nd-year-anniversary T-shirt
[About a 45-minute read]
Note: Quotations followed by “(Day X)” come from what I said in my Darkroom audio recordings and those followed by “(P. XX)” originate from my dear facilitator, Saskia John’s Book, In the Depths of my Soul: Experiences in Complete Darkness (English Translation). Terminologies such as, “Pig Parent (PP)” - “Internalized negative parental messages… persecutory, fear-based attitudes" (P. 23), “Rational Adult (RA),” “Adapted Persona (AP),” “Nurturing Parent (NP),” and “Inner Child (IC)” are based on Gabriele Fröhlich, MD’s “The Intelligent Heart: A Psychological Model for the Integration of Transpersonal Experiences.”
On 31st December 2020, I embarked on a 14-Day Solitary Darkroom Fasting Retreat Journey, also known as Dark Therapy, or “Yangtik” (Tibetan), “the final phase to conclude the monks’ training in some Buddhist training centers” (P. 7). “In Tibet, it is said that the clarity of consciousness is enhanced seven-fold in the dark” (P. 8). Due to the lack of external stimuli in the Darkroom, energies that were formerly repressed in the unconscious come back into the consciousness layer-by-layer, which enables their transformation, integration, and healing. Also, more melatonin is produced (an important molecule for healing), thus creating more N, N-Dimethyltrptamine (DMT) in the brain, which is the "Spirit Molecule'' that induces psychedelic and mystical experiences.
I was inspired by Dark Therapy from my moon-witch-priestess-sister-goddess-neighbor best friend, Magali, of Momoko Healing and founder of our beloved Holographic Healing Nest healing collective & studio. When she returned from her 10-day Darkroom retreat in November, my Scorpionic self (Ascendant & Mars/Pluto/South Node conjunct in the 12th, opposite my moon 😅) was entirely captivated and intrigued. I was originally planning to experience a 10-Day retreat starting 4th January, but given the state of Lockdown, followed by a whole string of challenging events in December (painful breakup, death of a friend, conflict with an old friend, intense healing reactions from Trauma Detachment Therapy, one of my best friends moving away, and Uranus so tenderly kissing my natal moon for two of three times over an eight-month span), I decided I needed to leave earlier and go longer and deeper.
The Darkroom ended up being the most humbling, profound, and deeply transformative experience of my life -- even more so than my Ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru circa 2013 -- and words cannot truly capture the amount of gratitude, awe, and reverence I feel for the Darkness. “Honestly, this may even be more profound than my Ayahuasca experiences just because the level of presence is just really next-level. With Ayahuasca, you're tripping, puking, this, that, there's a lot of sensation, a lot of stuff going on. With this, there doesn't seem to be a lot going on, but there is. And you're sooo present for it. It's just you. It's just you and you and you and the Darkness, and this slow unraveling is really special” (Day 9). “I asked Saskia, it seems like not a lot is happening in the Darkroom, but there's a lot happening, right? And she said yes… and the more personal stuff people can get through, the more transpersonal experiences they can have” (Day 11).
When I returned from the Darkroom, I didn’t want to talk to anyone except for Magali, the only person who could begin to understand what I’d just experienced. “There is a huge difference between reading a book on the one hand, and mutually sharing one’s experiences with a person with similar in-depth experiences on the other” (P. 109). Like Captain Pipispielhand of our beloved Pirate Tantrics advises after retreat, I wanted to keep the experience to myself so that it retains the purest energy & remains sacred and that I don’t dilute, cheapen, judge, and/or project my experience by trying to describe something in words that’s just not describable. As Saskia says after her first retreat, “It appears to me as if my inability to verbalize my experiences resulted in my unconsciously holding them within myself for a period of time, allowing them to unfold their meaning and work through me on a deeper level. In the silence, there was a power that would have been vastly diminished had I talked about my experiences at that time. Remaining silent was my way of honoring the sacredness of what had happened for me, as well as its inherent strength for me personally; a strength that would be needed to work my way through the things that had touched me on the deepest levels, and that were waiting to become integrated within me over time” (P. 213).
My intention with writing this piece is to attempt to describe my experience in one go since many people have expressed interest in it. I feel like every time I would have to speak on the topic, it would take away the energy from the sacredness and magic of everything that unfolded in the Darkroom, so I wanted to capture it just this once, so it can reverberate in the fullest energy it deserves. I have still only spoken about my experience to my dear friend, Magali, and for the moment, I intend to keep it that way. So here I am in this attempt to describe this experience as best I can with words that could never properly give it justice. But I hope that by sharing my experience, perhaps it can inspire others to also delve into the depths of their soul via Dark Therapy or at the very least inspire them to explore deeper in their healing and self- (collective-) realization process.
You can always go deeper…
My Intention for the Darkroom
I began my healing journey in 2011 after a near-death bicycle accident turned my world upside down and brought me to search deep within. Ever since, I’ve been wholeheartedly dedicated to exploring as many psychedelic & healing modalities, perspectives, and approaches as I can, the most notable being my experiences with Ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru, my annual three sessions of Kambô Spring Cleaning Ritual, dearmouring (trigger point therapy on your womb/yoni area that releases all sorts of emotions), Reiki & Craniosacral Therapy, and getting sober (including caffeine) in April 2020 (from psychedelics in October 2019). But we can always go deeper 🙂 (The Darkroom actually whispered to me the inspiration to try Bufo soon (5-MeO-DMT psychoactive toad medicine)). Langsam, langsam. (“Slowly, slowly”).
My dad being a badass ‘n stuff
Growing up in an abusive, very conservative-Asian, “tough love” household with immigrant parents who fled poverty in South Korea to live the “American Dream,” I have terrifying memories of my explosively angry Tae Kwon Do 9th-Degree-Black-Belt Grand Master father and deeply painful memories of always having had my very existence made to feel like a burden. I was never allowed to “just be” and certainly never allowed to feel my feelings without judgment, shame, and/or punishment, which as a very sensitive and empathic child, was torture. The older I got, I came to understand why my dad was the way he was… because he was deeply traumatized himself, growing up in severe poverty and experiencing unthinkable anguish. Despite his abuse, I always felt the most connected to my dad and loved him very much. Even while experiencing so much adversity, I was always so proud of how he was the Four-Time National Champion of Tae Kwon Do in South Korea and trained the CIA of Bolivia in martial arts. I have a deep respect for my dad’s resilience and tenacity and know that’s where I get mine from.
Ayahuasca helped me to heal so much of my pain and finally have compassion for my parents, understanding they were doing the best they could, all things considered. My intention for the Darkroom was to explore this healing on a deeper and more integrative level. Via copious amounts of self-work, healing, and integration, I can now genuinely say I love both of my parents very much and really respect their strength, resilience, tenacity, and their own (bizarre) way of showing their love in immigrating to the States and raising my older sister and me so that we could experience a better life than they did. And of course with old age, both of them have mellowed out significantly. But I recognized there were still many layers in my unconscious that needed to be addressed and healed due to unresolved and repressed feelings & circumstances. Again via much inner-work, I’d say I’m overall a (relatively) even-keeled person, but these repressed feelings would unexpectedly surface, especially towards my family, and also when my Core Wound was struck. I definitely wanted to examine this closer and continue to heal these unconscious layers on a deeper level.
My amazing facilitator, Saskia John
The Conditions
My Darkroom Retreat was facilitated by Dipl.-Vet.-Med. Saskia John: Compassionate Companion, Masterful Facilitator, Mountain of Wisdom, Grace & Understanding, and Real-Life Angel F*cking Jedi. She’s a former veterinarian and a naturopath who’s been a Heilpraktikerin since 1994 (a rigorous “healing practitioner” certification in Germany that requires at least two years of intense study and very difficult exams). According to her business card, she specializes in acupuncture, therapeutic fasting, Tai Chi, family constellations, Inner Child work, Darkness retreats, hypnosis, and TimeWaver. For Darkroom retreats, she completed 12 days (2003), 24 days (2005), and 26 days (2016). Based on her Dark Therapy experiences and offering, I guessed she was either a Scorpio or Sagittarius, and my four planets in Sagittarius (Mercury, Venus, Saturn, Uranus) were delighted to find out she is indeed a Sagittarius. But when you read her book, it becomes very obvious: “I experience a profound longing for freedom and awakening; an impulse that has at times urged me to explore some things in life that others may not choose not to” (P 11). I feel you, Saskia… 💯🙌
Saskia doesn’t speak much English, also das war sehr gute deutsche Übung für mich [“so that was very good German practice for me”]. All of our sessions were auf Deutsch [“in German”], and she could understand me! In some of my dreams, I was even meta-thinking, “This is how I’m going to explain this auf Deutsch to Saskia,” which I found very funny. It really makes a huge difference in learning when you have a compassionate and patient listener, which has unfortunately not been my experience at all when I’ve tried to speak German out in the world -- outside of my friends, of course. I think she liked to be able to practice her English sometimes too. I’m so grateful that as a major bonus, I was able to work through my belief system that I can’t speak German... I can! Of course I’d studied the important spiritual terminology before the retreat, like Bewusstsein [“consciousness”], loslassen [“to let go”], and Aufmerksamkeit [“attention”].
My modest conditions in the Darkroom (the salt lamp was taken away once my retreat began)
The retreat took place in a two-story house just an hour outside of Berlin. Saskia lives in the basement, using the stunningly & peacefully decorated ground floor and winter garden as a living room & client intake space and the upper floor for three rooms dedicated to the Darkroom experience. My room was probably about 19 square meters (205 square feet), including a personal bathroom and a single bed with two very snuggly blankets & a pillow, two chairs, a carpet, padded mat, sitting cushion, table for the sustenance, tall kommode for my belongings, and two large, openable windows whose glass panes & edges were entirely sealed off and the windows themselves covered by a metal covering with tiny holes. The bathroom had a standing shower, shelf, toilet, sink, and large window as well, and all the light switches in the room & bathroom were taped off. The other two rooms for the Darkroom retreats would share the one bathroom in the hallway, and during my time there, there was only one other man who arrived four days after I did. The hallway of the rooms upstairs was also pitch black due to a heavy curtain that blocked any light from the stairwell. At any point during the retreat, you could call out to Saskia, and she could hear you. I never did, but psychologically, this possibility offered me immense peace of mind.
Every morning before my check-in with Saskia, which happened usually around 8-9:00, she picked up my canisters from the day before and brought new ones: Water, tea, hot water for the veggie broth mixture, 250 ml of vegetable juice, and 250 ml of fruit juice. Along with tea & water, I drank one cup of broth and the fruit & vegetable juice until Day 7. I stopped drinking the broth on Day 8, stopped drinking the fruit & vegetable juice on Day 11, and just drank tea & water Days 11-14. Once I started to feel more energetic around Day 8, I realized how much the juice and broth were distractions. I felt like Pavlov’s Dog being distracted by the thought of the sugar and taste rush simply by having the broth & juice canisters there. It got me too far out of the Beingness, so I gradually weaned them off, as I felt I had enough energy. The Darkroom was my first time drinking sauerkraut juice, which I couldn’t drink without squealing and laughing out loud because it was just so weird, but tasty, but interesting and... weird! It also made me laugh because of course here I am drinking sauerkraut juice in Germany. Saskia and I had a good laugh about it in one of our check-ins.
I showered every three days, changed my underwear once a day, and was naked the whole time. It actually felt super unnatural to be wearing clothes in the Darkness. With the ultra-heightened awareness in the Darkroom, the sensation of clothes on my skin was too much… sometimes, even the blankets were too much. Every shower was like a ritual. It was the best shower pressure I’ve ever experienced in my life -- as if the heavens opened up and poured all the rain of the earth full-power unto me. My skin organically started to exfoliate, so every shower, I would turn off the water, properly sit down, and remove all the dead skin from my body. I always smiled to myself with much satisfaction, envisioning I was peeling off all the layers of Berghain sweat. I probably spent about an hour in there each time, and showering took so much effort. I would have to stop and catch my breath after extending my arms backwards to shampoo my hair. Afterwards, I wrapped a scarf around my eyes and opened the windows to air out the moisture and loved feeling the cold, fresh air on my skin. I would be sweating from all the effort & heat of the shower and would have to take a good rest in a chair and have a drink of water before I could muster up the energy to do anything else.
Being in the Darkroom
When I told people I was embarking on this journey, the usual response was, “Wow, sounds intense.” The experience wasn’t intense for me though. Intensity to me is a concentrated amount of sensation, like easing into a shibari suspension, feeling your head blow up like a hot air balloon after eight dots of Kambô, or experiencing flashes of unconsciousness from the extremity of pain from a tattoo gun on your ribs for 10 hours over three days. The Darkroom experience required a different kind of resilience than I’m used to -- one with a lot of patience, observation, self-love & compassion, humility, and endurance over a very extended amount of time. “It’s a very sloooooow release. This feels like I’m a frog in boiling water. I’m amazed by the layers that have come up already and am curious to feel and see more (Day 5).”
If you feel inspired to embark on a Darkroom retreat, I’d say don’t bother unless you can be in there for at least 10-12 days. Of course everybody’s process will be different, but 14 days was perfect for me. “It takes at least 4-5 days to start to really get in there because the first 4-5 days were like, “Whuhhhttttt?!” But it’s kind of like people who go to silent retreats for three days and I'm like, ‘Dude, what are you even doing? It’s not even starting by the time you leave.’ It starts to get real juicy around Day 5-7” (Day 6). Furthermore, I believe proper guidance/facilitation (unlike at The Hermitage at Lago de Atitlan, Guatemala) and being completely alone (instead of in a group, like at Mantak Chia’s Darkroom Retreats in Thailand) are of paramount importance. I also feel fasting is a crucial part of the process, which neither of the aforementioned experiences offer. “I can't imagine this process without Saskia or that people go into the Darkroom for 7, 10, 14 days without any guidance. It makes this experience that much more transformative to be able to share, relate, receive guidance, and really recognize & break through” (Day 8). As Saskia’s Darkroom facilitator, Holger (who first experienced Dark Therapy in 1968 in a Nepalese cave for 49 days with a daily check-in with a lama), says, “That is why the debriefings in the course of the dark retreats are important, as they provide additional suggestions and inspirations. I suspect that most people would discontinue the retreat within a short period of time without the conversations” (P. 390).
There are no “have to’s,” “should’s,” or “should not’s” in the Darkroom… exactly how I like to live my life. Everything just is. Wu-wei (Taoist philosophy of “non-action”). I never properly sat with my back straight and legs crossed meditating because every moment is a meditation… Hanging off the side of the bed, laying like a puddle on the carpet, putting my face up next to the metal pane of the open window… And every moment was inspired. I never thought, “It’s time to do yoga,” or “I better shower.” I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted, and for however long I wanted. Heaven. “What luxury to just be able to be naked in a cozy, warm room with soft things and all the tea and water you could ever want. You can sleep when you want to. You can do whatever you want to. And that’s super nice. I really love being alone” (Day 6). “It’s comfortable but uncomfortable because then the discomfort comes from sitting with yourself, and I guess it really depends on how comfortable you are with just being with yourself” (Day 8).
I practiced yoga every day in the Darkroom. Some days, “yoga” was laying on the ground moving my head from side to side and stretching my back (Days 1-7). By Day 8, I was doing Chaturangas ‘n sh*t. Again, not because I “had to” but because I was inspired to. Thankfully, so much of my Moving-to-Berlin Journey circa 2016 was deprogramming myself from American puritanical hyper-capitalist ideologies compounded with my Asian immigrant parental background (multiplied by my Capricornian dispositions) where your productivity determines your worth and Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. I had zero guilt doing absolutely nothing in the Darkroom. And it was glorious.
Saskia describes the Darkroom as cleaning out the basement, so you can connect deeper to your true nature, pure joy & lightness of being and shine out your noble human values into the world. “I feel like I'm in this process where I'm cleaning out my inside world so I can be with my outside world” (Day 5). “I believe this is the deepest healing there is, and Saskia says this is the deepest process she knows of. It's so deep because it's so natural, so organic. You just allow for things to come if they want to. Sometimes they don't, and it's the deepest cause it's just you. It's just being with your consciousness. There’s nothing else” (Day 14).
The Darkroom to me is the yin, the feminine, the Great Mystery, the primordial womb, the Not Knowing, intuition, flow, infinity, spirals, magic, and softness. As Holger says, “The Feminine has no fear of death” (P. 121). As a child, I used to be afraid of the dark, so I thought maybe I would get scared in there. Quite the contrary -- I never felt so safe and at ease, like I was in a womb (except for my freakout on Day 13 explained later). I consider the Darkroom to be the Ultimate Quantum Healing Cocoon, and it reminded me of the completely non-linear and quantum nature of healing. “It is not as though I had not previously been aware of… [this], but it was more about knowing this theoretically. Now it is knowledge based on experience and on looking at what is involved” (P. 155).
It’s not a vortex because there is no pull of energy. It’s not a cave because it’s so much cozier. Healing is truly on the quantum level in the Darkroom because there is a laser focus on your consciousness. “In the darkness, we undergo a process of deconditioning and cleansing of our senses, which enhances our ability to see, hear, and perceive things” (P. 210). There are no other distractions. It’s just you and the Darkness. There is zero bullsh*t to get through. None of your energy seeps outside due to distractions but wholly stays within you. Thus, you cultivate such an incredibly strong connection with every aspect of you: your Inner Child, your body, mind & spirit, your feelings, your dreams, your intuition, your memories, your Everything. “I find it really interesting how absolutely everything seems to surface in the darkness, and I am finding the clarity with which things are being revealed through the darkness absolutely astounding” (P. 413).
“The darkness and aloneness are conducive to going more deeply inside, provided there are no external distractions. Every distraction results in the attention being pulled towards the outside, that is, away from the inside” (P. 74). It’s like at Burning Man when you find that things manifest instantaneously because (most of) the energy is on that higher vibrational level. The energy is focused & concentrated and has less other discordant energies to get through. Same in the Darkroom, but even deeper due to the purity of the aloneness and thus less variability of the energy. As Holger says, “This process here is very, very deep, and the healing happens at that depth, but before all the important elements make it to the surface, it takes time” (P. 346).
The Darkroom taught me what it really means to move slow and also what truly Being is. “On the 6th day without food, I can finally understand what it means to move slow. Whenever I think to get up, it’s many steps. First, the thought. Then, deep breath. Then move up from the wall. Then, brace my arms as if I'm about to get up, but I don't get up yet. Then, I very slowly get up. Halfway up, I check in to see if I feel OK and continue if I do. But if not, I sit back down and start the process all over again” (Day 6). I started to have a lot more energy by Day 8 but still had to move slow. It’s so incredible how much more aware you are in there. Again, because there’s no bullsh*t to get through. You just are. Everything just is. “Here in the darkness, any external stimuli are reduced to a bare minimum, and hence, there is more opportunity for experiencing things on an inner level and on the level of an apparent parallel world, while experiencing their emotional and sensory qualities in a way that is just as real as in normal life” (P. 269).
Moving around in the Darkness, I could feel if I was going to run into a wall based on the approaching increased energetic density. “The darkness is such a great teacher! I can see now why the old masters used to have their students train with bound eyes. What is thus being trained goes beyond the five senses; feeling into one’s own body, sensing outside of the body, seeing without one’s eyes, feeling without one’s hands, hearing without ears, comprehending without thinking, and getting a sense of the synergy between body and spirit” (P. 161). Having the carpet on the ground and using its edges to feel out my orientation was very helpful in understanding where I was in space.
“I vacillate(d) between, ‘Oh my God, this is the most profound experience ever’ and, ‘Oh my God, get me out of here, I can never do this again’” (Day 11). Many moments there were no thoughts, other moments there were lots of thoughts, but towards the end of the retreat, my mind became very still. “In the beginning it was so easy, like, ‘Oh, my mind is so quiet,’ then my mind is like, ‘Surprise, motherf*cker! It’s not that quiet!’” (Day 7). I’d move from one side of the bed to the other side of the bed, sit on the chair, then move to the cushion, then lay on the carpet, then back to the bed, sit on the other chair, then try the… I had this joke with myself where I’d open my eyes and say, “Yep, stiiiiiiill dark.” I’d also frequently say to myself, “Jussssssst resting,” with a big smile on my face and snuggling into the cozy duvet. I finally understood the importance of true resting, and it’s not about being lazy. The Darkroom actually inspired me to remove the word “lazy” from my vocabulary because it feels like a judgment of resting, which is something your body legitimately needs. A lot of it!
I was finally able to connect with my Inner Child in the Darkroom. Honestly, “Inner Child” used to be this spiritual buzzword phrase, like “aligning your chakras” that I’d mildly roll my eyes at and for which I’d have zero interest. But we all know it’s oftentimes the things we have the most resistance to that end up being the things we actually need the most… like when you’re dreading that one yoga class, and when you finally muster up the energy to go, it ends up being the best practice of your life. “The root of all your challenges and conditions is so the Inner Child, and the Darkroom is the best way to go about it, in my opinion. It’s like decades of therapy in here” (Day 11). “I’m glad that I’m exploring this work with Saskia because she’s an amazing facilitator and I’m grateful it’s by myself, just me and her, and not in some cheesy workshop. [laughs] I mean, I’m sure the workshops are not all cheesy” (Day 8). Saskia also helped me realize I wasn’t previously able to connect to my Inner Child because I was speaking English to her. Little Nina only spoke Korean until she was about five or six.
I lost 7 kg (15.5 lbs) being in the Darkroom, and my relationship to hunger & craving totally transformed. For the first five days, my number one thought was my friend Nadia’s gluten-free brownies she baked for my birthday. I joked with Saskia that I missed food more than people (but really, I did 😂😅). The more and more I was able to connect with my Inner Child and reconcile, transform, and heal challenging memories, the more and more my cravings disappeared. By Day 8, I completely stopped thinking about food. No more thoughts of Nadia’s brownies. No more thoughts of what I was going to eat after the retreat. By the 13th day, my body was saying it needed (not craved) cherry tomatoes… and I don’t even like cherry tomatoes (lol). They’re not good for my pitta/kapha Ayurvedic dosha. I learned from Saskia that craving is either your wounded Inner Child seeking comfort and security through food or your ego, which can never be satiated. I also recognized how much we eat due to conditioning (“It’s dinnertime, so I should eat”), socializing (“Let’s catch up over lunch”), or even boredom (“I wonder what’s in the refrigerator” #coronavibes).
I had many important conversations in the Darkroom, mostly with six people: My mom, dad, older sister, Little Nina, the ex-beloved from my recent breakup, and the old friend with whom I very sadly had an unexpected and explosive conflict. My thoughts mainly revolved around these people, along with food (Days 1-7), my housing situation, work, and a whole bunch of other random stuff, permeated with a feeling of immense gratitude for my life experiences & friends and oftentimes much optimism. “I was just sitting there and a huge wave of optimism rushed over me. It felt really good. I felt really optimistic about everything. Sitting here in the dark, in the Not Knowing, I just felt optimistic that whatever will be will be. I’d like to bring this optimism into my day-to-day when I get back cause I realized I've been pretty down in the dumps lately, I mean, understandably, all things considered, but the past three months have been ROUGH. F*cking rough. This year tore my sh*t apart... but for my highest good and evolution of course” (Day 4). A mantra I repeated was, “I let go, I surrender, I trust, and I’m grateful.” Naturally, I also felt “over it” numerous times: “Pretty sick of this though, no joke” (Day 4). “Yeah, I'm pretty bored up in this biiiiitch. I’m starting to feel pretty weak, a little over it, a little agitated. I’d love to go home and eat some pasta & brownies with my friends, but you know, sometimes you sign up for these crazy things” (Day 5).
My Process
Some moments I felt like a pile of floppy puppies, some moments I felt like a Jedi Ninja who just unlocked the Matrix, other moments everything in between and outside of. I was laying down most of the time, in and out of sleep, and of course, I could never tell for how long I’d slept. Also, I found I needed increasingly less sleep as the retreat progressed. I would almost always take a long nap after Saskia’s and my morning check-ins as a result of a lot of processing and expending much mental energy by having the conversation auf Deutsch. The sleep was always very deep and intense. “I just woke up in such a state of elation. Optimism. Something happened in my dreams where I felt like something deeply processed. I was following some process or doing something in my dream that was really helpful for me and I woke up feeling like, ‘Yes, I unlocked it, or I unlocked a big part of it’” (Day 5).
I oftentimes had a flickering light behind my eyes when I closed them, as if my eyes were in REM, which Saskia also experienced in her Darkroom retreats: “I feel a flickering in my eyes, similar to a candle” (P. 49). I could also generally tell around what time of the day it was based on the amount of cars outside, plus, Saskia had electric blinds I could hear closing before she went to sleep at night and opening when she woke up. My favorite time of day was of course deep into the night due to the immense stillness.
I brought the one device I was allowed to bring into the Darkness: A USB stick with a recording function, and I could record myself with just a flip of a switch. I duct-taped off the tiny light that was the size of a grain of sand, and it was perfect & very practical for the Darkroom. The resounding sentiment of all of my recordings was gratitude. Complete and utter gratitude.
How I envisioned Little Nina: About four years old, in a red jacket, and at the airport in Korea
Days 1-3: Acclimating, Changing my Dreams & Connecting to my Inner Child
Upon arriving on Day 1, Saskia and I had a check-in, I strategically laid out my very few belongings in my room, and we sat in meditation together for some moments before she took away the salt lamp, and I was alone in the complete Darkness: “The room is dark, like really, really dark. The only Darkness I’ve experienced like this were in the caves in Thailand” (Day 1). I began with drinking 1.5 liters of salt water to cleanse my colon, which, very eloquently put, made me poop my guts out the rest of the evening. Acclimating to my new rhythm, I was sleeping & dreaming a lot and noticed I was waking up with a headache on Days 2 & 3. “Man, one day here is sooooo long. Hunger is definitely not an issue, just more being here in the Nothingness” (Day 3). I also woke up to my entire body throbbing in pain on Day 4 but that went away throughout the day and never came back to that extent.
In the first dark check-in on Day 2, I very naively said to Saskia, “I’d love to connect to and heal my Inner Child. Are there any exercises I can do? How do I go about that?” To which Saskia very wisely replied, “The only task in the Darkroom is to just be. Then observe what arises. Anything that wants to or needs to be revealed will be revealed.” The “recurrence of certain themes would continue until pertinent aspects of them, that had remained suppressed throughout my life, found their way to the surface layer of my consciousness. Over time, my perception of them gradually altered, until they eventually disentangled, dissolved and finally integrated” (P. 16).
I was able to connect to my Inner Child on Day 3 after feeling a pain in my solar plexus, which I learned from Saskia is directly connected to your Inner Child. “The vision of her came so quickly when Saskia asked me to imagine her. Little Nina was about four years old, in a red jacket, and at the airport in Korea. Saskia instructed me to step down so I'm her height and tell her I'm the older version of her and that I came to love and play with her. I asked her what her needs were and told her it’s not her responsibility to be taken care of. It’s the adults’ responsibility, and I needed to talk to mom & dad and personally make time for this child. Little Nina was surprised and distrusting at first but then was pretty happy I was there. [She] wanted to dance, skip, move, and be silly. She wanted to be how she was and not told to calm down or be quiet. I cuddled, hugged & played with her, and we read a book together and even baked cookies” (Day 3). “When I am able to feel all of the child’s (IC’s) feelings, my rational adult (RA) is there at the same time. My rational adult part is aware of what my child needs in order for her to feel better again. In my adult capacity, I can give her from the heart what she needs in this (remembered) moment: love, recognition, protection, understanding, or anything else that may be required. Once I am clear about what my child needs (I can tell what my child’s feelings are from the sensations in my body at the time), I act according to those needs… The more the fear-energy in the child (IC) becomes transformed, the more the individual will be able to relax, stay centered and remain in a space of love and strength, even when they are faced with aggressiveness or suffering” (P. 85, 86). “When the Inner Child feels safe with the person’s Adult parts, the energy around the issue changes” (P. 135).
Saskia taught me I can change my unconscious by going into my dreams and changing them “so that Little Nina feels safe, protected, seen, loved, and heard” (Day 11). It was very empowering to know this, and I experimented with this significantly on Day 4.
All challenging emotions, like sadness, anger, and disappointment, originate from a wounded Inner Child
Days 4 & 5: Anger and My Core Wound Arise
Thinking of my most recent breakup and other exes, I began to feel a lot of anger at the end of Day 4. On Day 5, I was woken up by the sound of cars passing by on the street and got super mad. I really don’t like to be woken up, especially by the sound of machines. Because I had arrived on New Years Eve, and then it was the weekend, there weren’t many cars passing in the days before. Now, being the Monday after the holiday, it sounded like the Autobahn out there. Cue ego: “Why am I paying money for a so-called ‘retreat’ that’s not even silent?” I expressed my annoyance to Saskia first-thing during our check-in, and she said, “The cars are outside. You are inside where it’s warm and dry. The cars are not you. You can even thank the cars for reminding you that you are you, you are here, and you are not them.” And I said, “Oh yeah,” and the perspective shift was again, quantum. Instantaneous. I hardly heard the cars the rest of the retreat, and if I did, they didn’t bother me at all. I realized it was my ego trying to focus on something to blame and immediately was able to let that go once I zoomed out the perspective.
We then explored where this anger was coming from. Putting my hand on my solar plexus where I felt the anger sensation, I asked my body where does this anger come from? My Core Wound. And since my parents never allowed me to express my feelings without shame, judgment, and/or punishment, I would hold this anger inside, ultimately manifesting in this wound. Saskia said she could tell I was starting to have a better connection with my Inner Child because anger came up and explained that any challenging emotions, like sadness, anger, and disappointment, all originate from a wounded Inner Child. Anything like joy, peace, and compassion is coming from a more mature version of you. Of course one may feel sad if a friend dies, but holding onto the sadness for too long also indicates a wounded Inner Child.
Saskia taught me that like changing my unconscious by changing my dreams, I can also change my unconscious and heal my Inner Child by going into my memories and giving my Inner Child what she needs (protection, love, understanding, etc.). I then explain to my parents and/or older sister how their behavior makes Little Nina feel in the moment, ask them what the intention of their behavior is, clarify with Little Nina where this behavior actually comes from (rarely because of her), and tell my family to talk to Adult Nina (me) directly if there is an issue and to keep Little Nina out of it. “On a mental/soul-related level, past, present and future take place simultaneously, hence, there is no time; everything is now, and as a result, changeable. This also affects the material (physical) level, as all areas are interrelated, and matter follows consciousness. Changing the past to me entails changing the feeling states concerning any childhood experiences and associations. It involves addressing one’s own Pig Parent-Energy, defanging it, and at the same time providing the Inner Child with new perspectives, with the assistance of one’s Rational Adult/Nurturing Parent-Energy. Experiencing this very new energy flow has the capacity to change profoundly the feeling states associated with the original experience. Whenever I succeed in doing this, I can still remember the corresponding childhood events, but on an emotional level I respond to them in a much more calm and neutral way” (P. 283). It may sound crazy, but I witnessed drastic changes in the feelings in my body every time I went through this process of identifying the feeling, asking where it’s coming from, then resolving the issue between my Inner Child and my parents or sister. Again, on a quantum level. Everything is truly possible in the Darkness.
Day 6: Changing Memories & Food Dreams
On Day 6, I explored this process of changing memories and arrived at a deep resolution with my older sister. I also had a dream of a catalogue of food shown to me like a giant casino slot machine, which made me laugh. “Man, I love food so much” (Day 4).
Day 7-8: Standstill & Game-changer
Day 7 was one of my two most challenging days. Doubt overcame me. Could I go deeper? Maybe this experience isn’t for me. I was just totally over it and experienced an immense Kopfkino (“head cinema”) before falling asleep on Day 6. Then in my nap after my Day 7 check-in with Saskia, I had a string of very vivid & intense dreams, and “everything in my body was regenerating somehow. There would be moments where I'm watching myself sleeping, and it’d be like a rolodex slot machine, like the thing that happened with the food catalogue the other day. Like all the different possibilities rolling through and somehow regenerating everything. Transforming everything… This and this and this, and every little thing correcting itself. Just doing its thing... My mind feels a lot quieter after all the processing in my sleep” (Day 7).
By Day 8, I was “feeling really good. I think I may have durchgangen (“passed through”) the hard point… famous last words! 😅 I have a lot more energy. I'm not as dreadful as I was yesterday, and Saskia was saying that with more time in the Darkroom, more energy is coming into my body and not out of my body, so maybe that’s why I have more energy” (Day 8). At night, frustration arose, but when I tried to take the Observer Position, I couldn’t do it Liebevoll-ly (“loving” -ly) because there was a lot of heaviness in my heart and told Saskia this in our check-in the next day. “She said, ‘No that’s good. That’s your body telling you. When you feel that, ask what it is and why you’re feeling that. That’s your Inner Child.’ She said now it’s important to go back and really feel into that feeling and connect with my Inner Child. I asked Saskia how I can help if I can't change the situation, and she said to just understand, be there, and to hug. But now that I'm Adult Nina, I can change the situation. I can clarify with mom & dad these situations where I felt this frustration” (Day 8).
“It’s interesting but not surprising that I felt the feeling first and then had to recognize, ‘Oh, that’s frustration, oh, where is that coming from?’ I mean that’s ultimately the process, right? You feel something in your body, then you recognize, ‘Oh, what is that? Where is that coming from?’ And that’s how healing happens. Your body has so many messages for you, and when you’re just in the dark and you got no other sh*t to focus on, your body is so much of your focus. It brings things forward so loud and clear. It’s really incredible this process and it’s teaching me a lot of patience for sure. It’s the complete opposite of ripping off a band-aid, it’s just going real slow, layer-by-layer, but that has to be part of the process for you to arrive at these moments. Yeah, this is the best and most clear I've felt in this whole process so far and I'm so grateful for that… So often we’re conditioned to just stop when it hurts, like, ‘Ooh, that hurts, ooh, that’s bad, ooh, don’t go there.’ But actually it’s the most important to ask, ‘What is that when it’s hurting and where is it coming from?’ Because it has so much important information there for you, especially for your Inner Child, wow that’s really... phew, it’s something so obvious but such an important reminder… That's how you heal. So much of your pain is from your Inner Child, and the body doesn't lie, so pay attention when you feel this discomfort. Be curious. Observe with love and non-judgment ” (Day 8).
After all of these important reminders and realizations, “I just went super power yoga mode and had this relatively ‘intense’ yoga session instead of going to sleep after Saskia’s and my check-in” (Day 8). There was so much energy running through my Sushumna Nadi (central energy channel), like how Saskia described: “There is also a sensation in my body as though I were connected to a power cable, streaming through me” (P. 52). I felt like the Alex Grey painting where everyone is a rainbow pole of light, just dancing. So happy-go-lucky, free, giggly, childlike, grateful, joyful, expansive. A million times more connected and high than the best acid trip of my life. Then I disintegrated into Savasana -- my body drifting away into a formlessness, melting outside of the confines of this meatsuit into the infinitely expansive pure essence of my Being.
“I can understand now, eight days later, that once you're in here, it doesn't matter if it’s 14 days or 40 days. I think after the 7th day, after you get over that hump, you’re like flying, man. You're just really in another state. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow, but again, I’m really grateful I just went for it, just went for the 14 days because it is so much effort and heartache to reach this point… Seven days is a long time to wait, but it also makes it even sweeter somehow” (Day 8).
At the end of Day 8, I had the most incredible Ultimate Quantum Healing Cocoon moments where three different pains arose in my body (one in my chest, another in my solar plexus, another in between my solar plexus and sacral chakra), and for each, I went through the process of identifying the pain, where it comes from, then going into the memories to resolve them and giving Little Nina what she needs. “It [was] AMAZING how quickly the sensation[s] went away. It was like, bam, snap! And I was like, ‘Wow, that’s incredible.’ I’m so grateful I was able to feel, address, and help clear all this with Little Nina, mom & dad, and my sister. I feel like just centuries of healing is going on in the Darkroom… Day 8 and I’m a believer” (Day 8).
Day 8 was my favorite day. I was teeming with gratitude, just inspired to say out loud every moment what I’m grateful for (“I’M SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS CARPET!” 😭😂). I had so much energy that I didn’t sleep until after our check-in the next morning.
Day 9: Grateful and High AF
There was a lot of laughter and funny misunderstandings in Saskia’s and my check-in. I started out by saying, “Ich bin so ärgerlich mit dir zu reden,” [“I am so annoyed to chat with you”], and she was quiet. I was like, “You know, like, ‘Yay! Whoo-hoo! Excited,’” and she said, “Oh, aufgeregt. Ärgerlich means annoyed.” I was like, “Oh yeah. You were probably like, ‘Oh, nein’ [“Oh, no”],” and we shared a good laugh. Towards the end, I burst into tears of gratitude telling Saskia I’m so grateful for her. It was the only time I cried during the retreat. Then, I started tripping! I experienced the most subtle, organic fractals I ever saw, always in a cave or deep underwater in the abyss. The perspective was constantly moving slowly as if I was on a water ride at Disneyland where you go through the caves slowly. I’d never witnessed visuals like this. I was high AF (the recording is very funny). I would’ve been a hilarious sight to witness, my mouth gaping open, eyes wide, and my hands trying to touch the cave, but of course, there was nothing there. The colors were always a deep root chakra red, dark forest green, or a deep ocean blue.
I was flying high: “I feel like I can do this again and maybe for 21 days. That'd be insane. This could be my yearly ritual. Or not [laughs]. Or I could go to the beach somewhere. But man, this smile. I am smiling like a motherf*cker. I feel high, so high, so high on life. I haven't been this happy in so long. And I'm so grateful. I really haven't felt this light, fulfilled, joyful, and happy-go-lucky in so long. Connecting to the joy of my true nature after cleaning out the basement. Just feeling so good in my body, in my Everything. I don't want to leave here. I don't want to leave my little womb cave. It's gorgeous in here… This is really f*cking trippy. I am trip-ping, and it's so cool to be tripping and be so present, like really present ” (Day 9).
Then, “my body was like, ‘Ciao!’ It cut out. I don't even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up I was like, ‘Whoa.’ I must've been really tired cause I was just like, ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrr,’ so happy! So much energy! It felt like how I would feel on acid, like, So Much Energy! And then Bumf! Asleep” (Day 9).
Day 10-12: Changing Dreams & Memories, Quantum Reiki, and Teeming with Gratitude
Over the next days, Saskia and I went deeper into the work of being with the feelings and changing memories & dreams, especially after my scariest dream on Day 10. I experienced the days by having important conversations, dreaming a lot, practicing gratitude, being inspired to begin chanting 108 “Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha’s” every day (Ganesh invocation to remove obstacles), and ruminating on a flood of inspirations. It was fascinating to notice the quality of my thoughts shift from the earlier mundane Kopfkino topics to deeply inspired, creative, and exciting ideas. On Day 11, I came to realize I got my period, which was very confusing because it came 1.5 weeks earlier than expected, and I felt zero pressure or pain in my womb. (Oftentimes during fasting or intense experiences, your period can be delayed or come earlier). The moment I felt something, I thought it was just my ovulation but after some investigation, realized it was my period.
Throughout the Darkroom retreat, I had the experience where getting up too quickly would bring me to a very psychedelic light-headed state I first experienced at Burning Man 2014 while gifting Reiki treatments at Sacred Spaces Village. I realized I initially had a slight fear, asking myself, “Is everything OK?” but was able to ease into the sensations in the Darkroom and explore it with less stress & more curiosity. One time during yoga on Day 11, I completely blacked out for a brief moment while attempting to stand up very slowly during a sun salutation. When I came into consciousness, I had a giant pain in my right cheek. I realized I’d fallen on my face and put my Reiki hand on my face and was again astonished by the quantum level of healing. The pain immediately and completely went away. Amazed, I would pull my hand away from my cheek and feel the pain creeping back, but when I’d put it back on my cheek, voilà! It was gone. Incredible. Of course the area was still tender after, but the immediate pain instantaneously healed from Reiki, supercharged by the quantum Darkroom.
Day 12 was my second favorite day after Day 8 because I was just overflowing with gratitude and experienced the best, most-present yoga practice of my retreat: “Every moment was so present, and it was such a beautiful practice to be in silence, to be in Darkness. You’re really just aware of every little thing your body wants to tell you. It's amazing. Every little ‘crk crk crk,’ every micromovement, release, tension… You feel it completely, which is what's so beautiful” (Day 12).
Day 13: Most Challenging Day
After all that gratitude and optimism, Day 13 turned out to be my most challenging day in the Darkroom: “Man, I was all optimistic and ‘yay, so grateful!’ before, but honestly, I’m just so sick of this and really can't wait to get out of here. I just feel pretty restless… It's been wonderful, so transformative, definitely the most transformative experience of my life, but it's been pretty exhausting, just to be in here, in the Nothingness” (Day 13). I got super frustrated & angry and feel like this restlessness was partially attributed to me knowing I was leaving soon, but also of course came from a deeply repressed memory.
In the night, I felt a deep pain in my chest I’d never felt before and investigated it (What is it? Where does it come from? Change the memory). But after I changed the memory, the pain was still there. I realized that in my restless and panicky feeling, it was my ego trying to think of something without actually feeling into it. Then, I started to feel even more anxious and panicky, like I was about to have an anxiety attack (I usually never have anxiety attacks). I focused on my body and did these autogenic training exercises, really feeling into and saying out loud, “My arms are heavy and warm. My legs are heavy and warm. My heartbeat is relaxed. My breath is calm, etc.” This calmed me down significantly.
By the second investigation, the true answer arose: the feeling was helplessness. And I hadn’t thought of the memory since it happened: My mom leaving me in a car on a hot day when I was four, saying she’ll “be right back” and going to the grocery store. A child has no concept of time passing like a rational adult, so I got really anxious and angry. When she returned (so much later in my mind), instead of consoling me, she ridiculed me for getting mad then got mad at me! I was so deeply hurt. “The rage results from the child’s longing for security… When this need for security is not fulfilled, existential fears are the result; a sense of feeling seriously threatened, to which the child reacts with rage, or by retreating (fight or flight -- Adapted Persona). The rage results from the sense of being unprotected, and it is a distraction from the actual pain underneath… Feeling enraged towards mother makes the child feel strong (in a form of pseudo-strength, AP), thus covering up the underlying pain)” (P. 373).
Little Nina, about five years old here, used to love singing on our karaoke machine while growing up
Day 14: Music Inspiration & Incredible Storm
The Darkroom inspired music in me. I would sometimes hear live music and thought Saskia had friends over to play music, and it blew my mind when she told me at the end that it was actually the man across the hall playing the lovely music in the Darkness. There was always a beautiful guitar, which inspired me to want to play the guitar and/or harmonica. I realized I had the belief system that “I can’t play music” because my mom forced me to play piano for several years, like all the good Asian kids do, and I hated it. I had so much resistance against learning music, but Saskia and the Darkness helped me to realize the resistance is for my mom, not the music.
“A big thing that's been coming through while I've been in here are my belief systems. Like, ‘Oh, I'm not good at music. I'm not good at cooking. I'm not good at Deutsch.’ Those are just belief systems, man. I'm really good at cooking. I'm really good at Deutsch. I'm really good at music. I can do anything I set my mind & heart to and know that deep down inside. I teach that” (Day 12). “One of the problems that people are confronted with are their many unconscious belief systems and the fact that they are creating realities out of them, thinking the world is really like this, or their environment is really this negative, and so on. They don’t realize that they themselves are constantly recreating their reality in every second. The belief systems can be made conscious and changed, and as a result, people can create a different reality with different feelings” (P 395).
By Day 14, I was singing! Anyone who knows me knows that I do not sing. To the likes of “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel (inspired by the Darkroom, of course), The Beatles’ “Let It Be” & The Animals’ “House of the Rising Sun” (my two favorite karaoke jams as a kid), and The Fugees’ “Killing Me Softly” & Erasure’s “A Little Respect” (inspired by my older sister’s impeccable music taste while growing up in the 80s/90s).
I also heard an incredible storm on Day 14, my last full day in the Darkroom. Huge gusts of wind, impressive rain, and even cracks of thunder! It brought me back to growing up in Chicago and experiencing the incredible thunderstorms during the summertime. I thought I heard someone shoveling snow in the night but thought, “No, can’t be. Probably a garbage can or something.”
The most magically snowy and gorgeous, blue-skied departure paradise a girl could ask for
Day 15: Magical Snowy Departure
Day 15 felt like a twilight dream when Saskia came and knocked on my door to wake me. After 10 minutes, she guided me out to the dark hallway and opened the curtain for me to walk down the stairs. Oh my god, light! Moving very slowly, my vision felt wobbly as if I were drunk, and everything felt faintly gray and completely surreal. Step by step, tiny movement by tiny movement, I made it down the stairs with Saskia in front of me in case I needed her hand. I slowly put on my boots and coat, and we left the house so I could enjoy some time in her backyard.
Coming out of the house, feeling the crisp, fresh air, and witnessing so much snow on the ground was so ridiculously magic, my eyes wide and mouth ajar, feeling like Little Nina on Christmas. “Nein, nein! Wirklich?!” [“No, no! For real?!”] Saskia asked if I heard the incredible thunder at night, and I said, “Of course!” I joked with her that the Weather Gods knew I was coming and also shared that it felt like a really good omen, like how in ancient tribes, rain after healing and ceremony is a good omen. Living almost five years in Berlin and eight years in San Francisco before that, I hadn’t experienced snow like this in a long time (except for when I’d travel to the East Coast or Grenoble, France). It brought me back to my childhood, growing up in very snowy Chicago, and warmed my heart so dearly. The sky was also so incredibly blue with lots of vibrant pinks, purples, yellows, and whites — truly extraordinary from a typical Berlin gray winter sky.
Saskia left me to take in all the snow and sky and trees and birds, and I laughed heartily to myself many times, smiling cheek-to-cheek, saying out loud, “Oh my Gooooood, I did it!” I wish I could’ve stayed outside longer but the cold brought me in, and Saskia and I had our last check-in on her couch. It was so miraculous to be able to see her and notice her beautiful blue eyes! I told her, “Magali ist meine beste Freundin, weil sie wahnsinnig ist wie ich,” (“Magali is my best friend because she is insane like me”), and we shared a good laugh. Afterwards, I packed up my things, lovingly said goodbye and thank you to my little Darkroom cocoon space, and was on my way. Before I left though, I asked Saskia if her book was also offered in English, and she went to the basement to grab one and gifted it to me! “Echt?!” [“Really?!] I was floored and so very grateful. This book has been the perfect companion during my 10 days Integration post-retreat.
Integration: Days 15-25
My Day 15 Thursday Transition Day and the following Day 16 Friday were my “Admin + Magali Days:” I broke my fast Thursday evening with an apple (as advised by Saskia), responded to my friends, family, and clients via #allofthemedia 😅, picked up groceries & a water cooker from Free Your Stuff, and caught up with Magali for five hours over nourishing vegetable soup on Friday. Anyone who knows how I work knows I can pump out a workload like nobody’s business ( #capricornsensibilities #asianimmigrantparents), but there was no sense of urgency or stress in all of the catching up. It all very organically unfolded like a slooooow game of Tetris, and I slowly chipped away at my own pace and organization. By the end of Magali’s and my meeting Friday though, I was totally exhausted and found I couldn’t eat and talk at the same time. So we took our time between conversation to silently enjoy the soup I so lovingly prepared for our meeting. “...a Zen master’s words to his student: ‘When I am eating, I am eating; when I am walking, I am walking.’” (P. 115) Feeling into this exhaustion, I took it back to the 90s and put my cell phone in my drawer, deciding I needed a nine-day Digital & Social Detox. I only checked my email and Telegram (my least-used messenger service) 1-2x/day via my computer for emergencies only.
For every day of Integration starting Day 16 Friday, I woke up naturally around 8:30 to eliminate and also moved my plants out of my cave into the other room so they could enjoy some sun, then laid in bed consciously resting for one hour, simply Being, feeling into my body, and enjoying & appreciating the warmth and coziness of my Nest bed. A lot of inspiration and memories of dreams would come to me at this time, which I wrote down in my journal next to my bed. As Holger says, “We tend to receive most of our meaningful thoughts, solutions and deep insights while we are asleep or falling asleep, but also while waking up” (P. 312). Then, I meditated for an hour, practicing gratitude, present moment awareness & body awareness, and chanting my 108 “Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha’s,” invoking the energy of Ganesh to remove any obstacles. Then after reading Saskia’s book for an hour, I’d finally leave my bed and practice one hour of yoga.
Of course there was a lot of rest and presence in between these four hour-long segments, and of course I did everything naked and in the “dark,” just like in the Darkroom. (I put “dark” in quotes now because nothing is truly dark to me anymore unless I am in a cave or in the Darkroom). My approach to my meditation and yoga has become so much more spacious, present, and slower than before, when I used to peek at the timer at least once or twice during my practice. Now, I am surprised by the sound of the ending bell. This is definitely my strongest yoga and meditation in my 12 years of practice, and I am so, so grateful to the Darkroom for this inspiration.
Definitely the healthiest I’ve ever grocery shopped! I had zero desire for any processed foods
After Savasana and showering, I’d finally open my blinds and looked at a screen for the first time around 14:00. I broke my fast around 15:00 with a warm lemon salt water, a Sea Iodine supplement, and liposomal Vitamin C, then ate my “breakfast,” either oatmeal or tahina & veggies. Upon returning home from Darkroom, I’ve only been consuming fruits, vegetables, legumes, oats, tea, and water in a four-hour window, not because “That’s what I have to do,” or “I’ve become a non-processed food, gluten-free vegan on a 20:4 Intermittent Dry Fasting Diet,” but because that’s what’s organically felt nourishing, grounding, energizing, and good for my body. Knowing what it feels like to not eat for 14 days, every meal was truly a blessing with so much presence and gratitude. I would then start “working,” or rather creating -- either transcribing my 5.5 hours of recordings from the Darkroom or writing this piece. It took me about 16 hours total to transcribe all 40 pages (10-sized font) of recordings, and the process was absolutely priceless. I was cackling with laughter most of the time and also incredibly thankful for the impressions because I’d forgotten some of them already, especially the dreams.
I ate “dinner” around 18:00, always a vegetable & bean soup, followed by some fruit, and the rest of my supplements (Ubiquinol, D3, K2, Potassium, Magnesium, Selenium, Tryptophan, Complete B Complex & New Chapter Women’s Vitamin), then I’d “Rest & Digest,” reading Saskia’s book until I felt like creating again. I created until about 23:00, read Saskia’s book until 00:00, then slept. I recognize I am very privileged and feel extremely grateful I was able to live my life this way for my 10 days of Integration. I left my flat only four times: Once to pick up the water cooker & groceries, once for the dentist, once to have a walk with Magali, and once to walk 8 km (5 mi) around my Kiez [“neighborhood”] as a Gratitude Ritual offering for my housing situation. Every time I left my flat, I felt like I was entering some parallel dimension: “For several days, I still felt as though I was not a part of this world, as everything continued to feel so surreal, and at the same time super-real. Everything I saw felt overwhelming to me” (P. 459).
Moving forward, I know I will have to shorten my four-hour morning ritual and will probably eat a croissant one day but I am grateful to have had this time for now and would love to keep it up as best I can, most importantly of course, only as long as it’s still feeling good. I’m not a very dogmatic person so intend to approach this the same way I approached my sobriety: Day-by-day and moment-to-moment with zero shame, guilt, or restrictions, simply deep awareness and intention.
The Darkroom and Integration is the longest time I’ve gone without sex since I arrived in Berlin in 2016, but I never once thought of sex in the Darkoom. In Hygienic Darkroom Retreat: Profound Rest for the Self‑Healing Psyche, Andrew Durham states, “One way or another, sexuality makes its presence known in darkness. If it has been repressed, it stirs, like an animal escaping captivity. If it has run wild, it calms down” (Ch. 5 - Protocol). Saskia even has a whole chapter dedicated to “Fourth Day: Sexual Demons,” but nope, not me! It’s as if all the sexual energy in my sacral chakra converted into pure creative energy because all I’ve been wanting to do everyday is enjoy my morning rituals & cooking food and write this piece, which has basically been writing itself in my head this whole time. Really zero efforting. I also haven’t listened to any music -- have just been enjoying the silence as much as I can. [Update: I finally broke my music fast on Day 28 Wednesday while going for my first run of the year, listening to one of my Cali #babe BFFs, Chelsie241’s gorgeous techno set, The Great Quarantine Phase2 new moon — brought me so much joy and many smiles!]
Stretching my back while laying down towards the end of my yoga practice Day 18 Sunday, a deeply painful childhood memory surfaced spontaneously, and I started crying uncontrollably, while feeling an intense pain in my chest. Sobbing, convulsing, and curled up in a fetal position, I put my hand on my chest, and a vision of my dad as a child experiencing the incredibly traumatic events of his life came to me. I immediately knew the deep pain and sadness I was feeling was also his ancestral pain and sadness that he once felt as that child, that he would still probably feel today if he were to feel into the memory. This unexpected emotional eruption also felt like a complex cathartic release in my Darkroom Integration Process, and I felt super relieved and grateful by the end of it.
Finishing to write this piece on my last Integration Day 25 while also finishing Saskia’s book today, I am again, teeming with gratitude and awe for this incredible flow and process I’ve been experiencing and one that will continue to unfold, transform, and integrate I’m sure for the rest of my life. I have never felt so at ease, at peace, clear, light, present, and full of joy & optimism, and I am so, so humbled & thankful. As mentioned before though, everybody’s process will be different, of course. As I teach in my Visionary Reiki Courses, every body and every moment are unique. So if you decide to embark on Dark Therapy, be sure to have absolutely zero expectations and a wide-open heart & mind. “In India they say, ‘Forget everything, continue to explore, but look at it all as some kind of game’” (P. 289).
Wishing you a deep and fulfilling adventure in your process, whatever that may be and however it may unfold 🙏💓
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